Journal Entries Highlighting the Surrendering Process
God told me I would never be the entrepreneur He called me to be unless I went through the fiery furnace with Him. I translated that into God would give me the business He was calling me to establish. I was slow to grasp He wanted me to pursue Him and that He was pursuing WHO He wanted me to be.
It’s important to mention that during this period, I spent hours daily, listening to sermons and doing devotionals, and 2022 was the first time I read the entire Bible. From May 24, 2022, to December 20, 2022, I completed 150 devotional plans on YouVersion. I also read and listened to many audio books. I was ravenous for content to grow in my knowledge of God.
You’ll also read that on July 10th, God showed me which local church to join. I’ll do a separate post about that, but I want to drive home that God was immersing me in His Word and teaching me about Him. That’s how the change was taking place; I began to be on fire for His Word, seeking Him and knowing Him.
Entry Dated July 6th, 2022
I’m angry this morning. I’m getting sick; my throat is beginning to hurt. I’m broke. I don’t know what God’s plan is, and He’s not speaking to me. I need to be the opposite of how I feel. Instead of being angry, I need to be more loving. I have everything I need to get through today. I need to focus on gratitude.
I read my Bible plans and scriptures–I am better. I am a child of God. I live according to His word and promises. I am NOT my circumstances, however difficult they might be to accept. I took a break from working on everything, hoping I would have clarity on what to focus on first/the most, but I don’t.
The Meaning of the Journal Entry
I start the day expressing things as they are. After my time with God, I remind myself of my identity in God and that I’m not my circumstances. I’m slowly coming to the realization I need to stop striving after things. However, my entire identify is wrapped in being a doer. I understand results and outcomes.
Entry Dated July 7th, 2022
I worked on overcoming the anger and frustration from yesterday from being inconvenienced. I’m so protective of my time, home, and resources. I will have to keep on working on this nonstop. No matter what I feel. No matter what I think. No matter what I struggle with, suffer from, and battle–the answer is to turn to God.
God seems to be working on me a great deal more than the business.
Father, Lord, clearly identify the next steps you have for me. Fill me with the Holy Spirit to write, teach, coach or do any and every of the next steps you have for me in the service of the Kingdom. Strengthen me to let go of anything and everything else you seek me to let me go of.
The Meaning of the Journal Entry
It’s frightful how accurate and prophetic this sentence is: “I’m so protective of my time, home, and resources. I will have to keep on working on this nonstop.” I believe my current trial is the completion of growing past this.
In this post, you can see that I’m committing myself to turn to God no matter what. I’m also starting to get a clue: “God seems to be working on me a great deal more than the business.
It’s kinda of a funny sentence to me now. No, ya think so, Ann?!?
Yet, in the next paragraph, I get it wrong. At that time, I saw the filling of the Holy Spirit as fuel for productivity rather than transformation. I wanted to do rather than be, because I had always measured my worth by results. I was missing the invitation to simply abide in Him.
I didn’t yet grasp the baptism of the Holy Spirit, who the Holy Spirit is, and His role in our walk of faith.
Entry Dated July 9th, 2022
It’s extra difficult to keep my faith and hope when I feel like doing nothing, and I’m confused about everything. I have no energy, motivation, or inspiration. I’ve forgotten the things I used to want. I’m waiting for it to come back. I have to fight the frustration, anger, and depression. I have to fight tearing myself down and apart.
The Meaning of the Journal Entry
This is the first but not the last time I struggled with understanding who I am and who I was becoming in the three years God has been transforming, renewing, healing, and maturing me. The “new man” (Ephesians 2:15, Ephesians 4:24, and Colossians 3:10), a new state of being created in Christ by putting on the Holy Spirit, was finally beginning to take root. However, the enemy wanted to keep me trapped in my old self, hence continuing to feel like I was being torn apart.
Entry Dated July 10th, 2022
Thank you, Father, for letting me know which church to join. I will go there next Sunday. Lord, are you calling me to write a book on testimonies? To focus on that? Thank you for renewing my energy.
I don’t want to repeat all of the last times I pursued businesses. Where I find myself is both familiar and different. I’ve been broke, in debt, and clueless about what next steps to take but it’s the first time that it’s my faith that has led me here. Quitting is not an option. Neither is planning ahead of God’s timing.
I’m definitely confused by where I am. That’s different too. I’m looking to be more available and open to others, but God isn’t sending me a whole lot of opportunities.
I’m confused about who God is turning me into. Being more generous–FOR SURE, got that. Being more of a people person–that’s not sticking. More social, also not sticking. Being less outcome driven–also not sticking.
I’ve never considered myself materialistic so losing things or not being to buy things/provide for myself, I’m not sure what it’s about.
I’m grateful for having more time in the Word and greater understanding, but memorizing scriptures–not going so well.
I don’t know what vision to have when I close my eyes. I’ve yet to be successful at anything in business, which is where I feel called to be.
The Meaning of the Post
My thinking is starting to shift to who God wants me to be, but I’m not seeing how that’s possible. My old self, who is obsessed with business and doing, the person I see as a visionary, is beginning to fade more, and I don’t know what to do about it.
What Was on Unfolding
I was beginning to see that my identity was never meant to be wrapped in what I do, but in who I am in Christ. Yet, I was still wrestling with the reality of letting go of that need for achievement to feel worthy.
Looking back, I can see how God was dismantling the identity I had built on accomplishments and replacing it with one rooted in Him. The struggle was real, and I resisted it and the enemy kept attacking at every turn, but His pursuit never wavered. I thought I was waiting on Him to give me direction for business—when in reality, He was waiting on me to surrender my need for control. I wasn’t just in a season of uncertainty; I was in a process of transformation. And that process wasn’t about what I would do next, but about who I was becoming in Him.