Journal Entry: The Confession and the Turning Point

This journal entry marks a pivotal moment—a point of deep realization and surrender. I finally understood what God was calling me to see, to confess, and to be transformed by. It wasn’t just about admitting my fears and struggles; it was about acknowledging the truth He was revealing to me—truth that would reshape my heart, my faith, and my purpose.

One of the best explanations I’ve heard about confession comes from Jamie Winship, who describes it not as mere remorse but as an act of truth-telling that leads to genuine transformation. Confession, he explains, is about honestly communicating to God our true beliefs about Him, ourselves, and others. It is the foundation for change because it allows God to replace our distorted realities with His truth.

That’s what I did in this journal entry. I laid bare my fears, my shortcomings, and the true state of my heart. And in doing so, I finally grasped that it was ALL about Him and for Him.

This journal entry also connects to a deeper revelation I received around that time—one that shook me: I didn’t truly know how to care about people. My understanding of love, compassion, and service was incomplete, and He was about to take me through a process that would change that forever.

The Circumstances Surrounding That Day

Below are the stats of my financial situation the day I wrote in my journal (which is also the day I had the phone call with my friend Cheddy). I have the information because around the time I started writing a book on personal testimonies. I will reference the latter more in my next post and journal entry. 

• My savings account is at $0
• My checking account is overdrawn (in the red, negative) by $361.91
• My only credit card is maxed out at $24,995.04 with one payment of $1,004.00 overdue
• I’m two months ($3,200) behind on my rent. 
• At any time my mobile phone service will be disconnected.
• I’m days away from losing other business services as well (Zoom, Calendly, etc). 
• I do not have the funds to pay utilities for this month.
• I have about $60 in cash for food, gas, and other necessities.
• I have no projected income.

I mentioned in the journal entry that my family didn’t understand what I was doing. I want to be clear that my family (dad, stepmom, and one of my brothers-in-law) was a huge help to me during this time and in the months to come. They didn’t understand, they were confused, they hurt for me, and they worried about me, but they also helped and supported me financially. 

They (particularly my stepmom and dad) had seen me suffer financially in the past with my other entrepreneurial endeavors, and they saw this situation the same way they had seen the others, although, for me, it was significantly different. 

I absolutely understood where they were coming from and I hated that I was worrying them. The whole thing didn’t make complete sense to me either. At times, it still seemed irresponsible and crazy of me not to do something to avoid where I was finding myself. 

NOTE: Don’t be tempted to compare these previous circumstances and lessons to my current circumstances. I learned my lessons from the fiery furnace and was completely renewed and transformed following it. The fiery furnace, you’ll come to realize, was just the beginning of the work God has done in me these last couple of years. It’s too easy to compare things based on what we see versus what God is doing. 

Entry Dated July 15, 2022

Soften heart and toughen feet. I have yet to have either. I’m scared deep down to be without, who wouldn’t be? Only those with hearts completely committed to God. I’m not there yet but must embrace the process if that’s where God is taking me. 

I’m most scared because I can’t provide for Little Man, and he might suffer because of it/me (my dog was sick and needed medicine I could no longer afford).

Whatever I suffer, I must be grateful and give thanks to the Lord for it and let it softened my heart. I must be able to look at the poor, needy, hurt, depressed, and suffering and not be filled with fear that it could be me. I must not judge them. I must have compassion, empathy, and a willingness to help, support, assist and encourage. I must stop trying to get away from those who are suffering and struggling.

Father, Lord, I admit the poor, homeless, depressed, addicts, and those suffering reflect my fears to me, and my fears highlight my lack of faith. I’m getting better at understanding Your Kingdom and the work of those in Your Church. I was working on being a certain type of person in society and had no intentions of getting “my hands dirty” or toughening my feet for Your Kingdom. I continued to seek You only to bless the help I perceived I’d be offering without having a real heart for Your people–the ones You hurt for.

Give me strength and love for my family, who don’t understand and judge my choice to submit to Your will. One group will judge and call me irresponsible. Another group will admire and understand my commitment to God and enduring to grow my faith.

I don’t expect my family or non-believers to understand I’m submitting to God and financial hardship to soften my heart, to become more generous, to grow in kindness, empathy, and compassion.

I’m blessed with spiritual growth and tons of time with the Lord. I don’t want to come out of my season of growth and fire for convenience and comfort. God says we don’t live on bread alone (Matthew 4:4). You have to be willing to lose your life to gain it. “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

It’s in obedience to the Lord that the scriptures come alive. Faith grows as the Word of God comes alive.

I didn’t just end up here–it’s been a process. I didn’t start out with the faith to be here. It was hard enough for people to understand the entrepreneurial hustle, but that was more relatable than the Christian purpose/calling and committed obedience.

God had to remove the entrepreneurial hustle justification from me as well. He had to bring it down to the raw bottom line of growth and obedience—full reliance on Him, Seeking Him for Him, and knowing Him only for the sake of knowing Him.

The Meaning of the Journal Entry

This journal entry marks a pivotal turning point where I begin to truly embrace radical dependence on God—not just in word, but in action. It reflects a surrender of my personal strategies and justifications, particularly the entrepreneurial hustle, as I begin to fully submit to His will.

At the heart of this confession is a deep acknowledgment of fear—especially the fear of lack and suffering. In this moment, I’m starting to grasp that the key to overcoming my most deep-rooted fears is not self-reliance, but the decision to trust God. This understanding would later deepen through the baptism of the Holy Spirit, as I began to walk in the truth of 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

This moment also marks a profound shift in my understanding of poverty and suffering—not as conditions to avoid, but as invitations to greater compassion, humility, and alignment with God’s Kingdom. I began to see how suffering could soften my heart and prepare me to serve the very people I once tried to avoid. Obedience became the gateway to revelation. God’s Word and faith no longer lived just in my mind or studies—they came alive in action, through radical surrender.

As James 2:18 reminds us: “But someone will say, ‘You have faith and I have works.’ Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.”

Ultimately, I came to recognize that God had to strip away my entrepreneurial mindset as a source of identity and security. Even though my family still sees my choices through that lens, I was being led into something deeper. I was learning full submission and total reliance on Him—seeking God not for outcomes, but for the sake of knowing Him.